Not Now

Today was a grim reminder of the delicacy of life. The kind of reminder that brings back an experience that will follow you the rest of your life. I don't understand whether or not it's because of spiritual beliefs or just personal ideals that make it hard to shake images of death. It wasn't until later in the evening when I was offered the the opportunity to participate in "ghost hunting" or search for paranormal activity at a crematorium that had been abandoned. Listening to some of the stories I heard were hair raising and very interesting. I believe it would be very intriguing to experience that, but while listening to the stories I found myself back in the hospital where I had interned at. It was third shift and I was with my trainer. Two times I found myself in the morgue. The first was for an elderly woman who had passed. We had placed her body in the sterilized white bag and took her from her room down to the morgue and placed her on the slab. However, the second trip we made was what was called a "B-line". "B-line" is a hospital term used for picking up a still born child or an infant that had died. I distinctly remember seeing the still born girl and placing her in the small body bag the size of a pillow case. Two thoughts entered my mind that absolutely changed my outlook on life. One was somewhere close a family was missing a member of their family that should have been there. The second was this small being will never know the joys of life. I don't want to say the memory haunts me, but I have this overwhelming thought that what if that were my child, that I would not be able to hold and know. I didn't go, because I didn't feel prepared for that thought entering my head. My heart still and will always feel broken at the thought of that baby. I found that I needed to make peace with myself and my memory of it before I went. In full disclosure I do believe in spirituality and forces outside of realm of everyday life. Whether or not that means ghosts and all of that stuff I admit I have no clue. I am open to such things, having limited knowledge. Just not tonight, not before I allow myself to be somewhat at peace. Not now.
I guess this was more of a confessional. But it is easy to forget how quickly life comes and goes. I find that life should be lived to the fullest experience one can have. Sometimes though I believe we should stop and find someway to truly understand that while time does not stop, sooner or later we do. Death is a very complicated concept to grasp and there are so many ways to understand it. I don't know that I have found the right way.
I love you all,
I love life.
I love humanity.

O.

Decisions

How days pass by in our lives where it seems as though the world has slowed and there is no excitement to be had? How often do we find ourselves trapped in the mundane grind of life? I can't shake this overwhelming melancholy. I still have all the hope and optimism and passion. I just seem deflated right now. I feel like I'm in a nose-dive. I guess the worst part is for anyone who knows how I feel is the ground is getting closer and closer by the second. I feel that even as I stand against the winds of war and hatred and all those terrible things I can feel my knees buckling. I feel so alone that a deserted island would be more comforting and warm, yes perhaps even less alone. You know the old adage "Sometimes the right decision is the hardest one to make" I feel thats where my life has lead. It's been a non-stop daily struggle to fight for the thing I want to do most, which is to help others. I'm reminded of the Incubus song "Pardon Me"
Pardon me while I burst into flames,
I've had enough of the world,
And it's peoples mindless games,
So pardon me while I burn and rise above the flame,
Pardon me, pardon me, pardon me.

I guess I want to save the world, and I suppose I find truth that one man can save the world or make a positive meaningful difference that lasts. I want peace. A part of my soul feels this deep pain. It's strange maybe you don't believe you have a soul, but I do. I find truth in something bigger than Humanity, but I could feel this strange sickening blunt pain deep inside. I can't describe it as anything other than my soul. It only happens when I think about that stuff. I don't know. My mind has a lot on it right now if you couldn't tell.
I love you all.
I love this planet, and I hate to see what we're doing to it. That's all I guess.

O.

Power

I found something the other day. It was an old picture, you know the old black and white photos. It was of my grandfather and grandmother kissing in one of those cut out walls you put your head in and you have a muscle body. Maybe it was just the moment but I really have to confess that you could see the love that filled the atmosphere. The energy and connection the two had was so vibrant in that photo. I was reminded of the innocence of love and the power love carries in it. Love can conquer everything. I believe that. The human spirit is one that is tailored to love. We long for all types of love. It's who we are. I struggle with the concept of a world that isn't connected by love. We see the problems around this small planet where love is void. A vacuum is created and violence and hatred fill the absence. As a human being we feel compassion unless our heart is jaded. And what a terrible waste to have a jaded heart. It starves the spirit. I am so heartbroken when I see people killing in the name of religion. I am just as distraught when those stand by behind some icon or religion and condemn. I don't know where you might stand on any of that but I really think if we as individuals gathered as a community diverse as we may be and earnestly sought to bring love to the world we would be nothing short of unstoppable. Because you see religion kills, while faith and freedom and love brings life. I sincerely hope I did not preach or impose to many morals. I am no saint by any means of the word. Far from it actually. But I am modestly suggesting we connect and build something for the future. Earth is dying, and humanity is at war with itself. Let's stop the hemorage of senseless death and violence. Let's develop a culture built on love.
My grandmother died from cancer two years before I was born. On my grandfathers arm is a faded tatoo he had in the picture. F.S. my grandmothers initials. I see it everytime I see him. I can't begin to fathom the trials he faced losing his soulmate and wife. Today he is alive and still loves the world. But looking at the picture I saw something that even death couldn't kill. Love. Share whatever love you can. It is love that will guide us from the darkness of the horrors in the world today. Be a fool in love. Take pictures with the one you love. Remind them every chance you can. Tell your friends you love them and that without their friendship you wouldn't be the same. Reach out to someone you don't know well, and offer a hand of compassion. The small acts you do today will brighten someones day and make tomorrow much better. Just an idea. Just a little love.

Do We Take Care Of Ourselves?

The human spirit. The soul. The inner fiber of what charges our bodies and minds. The force that pushes us. Some say it's only a creation of our imagination. Others would suggest it is what dwells in us longing to reconnect with some greater being. Our souls are very fragile wouldn't you say? How many times do we walk down a street or hallway and see a beaten, broken or dying soul? What about our bodies? How many of us take care of the only tool that truly matters in our quest on this planet? We use and abuse it as if our bodies have an unlimited replacement warranty. But the sad thing is sooner or later we expire and pass away. It's a tragedy how fast years pass by us and we take for granted all the countless little moments that make life worth living. I'm reminded of a song in which something greater calls out to an unnamed other"Fall Asleep With The Windows Open, Come To Me With The Worst You've Said And Done...A Little Death Makes Life More Meaningful..."

Lucky Number 07'

NOTE*So a new year is fresh upon us. What unforeseen joys and perils will we cross this new year? I have taken a lot of time off from the blog for personal reasons. I found that I needed a rebirth in my writing. I wanted to start enjoying writing all over again. The scary part is I've fasted so long from putting my words and sentences together in such a format that perhaps I have let some really great ideas pass without marking them or bringing them to life. I suppose though if they were truly great ideas I would have kept them.

Lucky number 07'.
Did you feel like 2006 wasn't an easy year to live through? Maybe it wasn't a bad year, but it wasn't one you can look back on and say, "This was a year where everything worked exactly to plan." Ofcourse no year is like that but 2006 just really stood out to me as one of those years where all the planning and resolutions along with ideas just fell apart. And ofcourse 2006 was a year where many famous and infamous humans passed from this world on to whatever world there is. Have there been moments in your life where adversity stares you right in the face, and you can smell what your certain is either bad breath or impending defeat? I watched the news the first time in a long time the other night. (Back in 06' mind you.) and the focus and theme that ran throughout the hour was about the President's reluctance to change plans in the ill-fated Iraq war. It seemed there was never an end to the supply of angles to be covered by the news organization. They covered President Bush's personal stubborness throughout his life, to why he would allow a change in procedure and planning, all the way to the dusty old weapons of mass destruction claims that would surely be brought up in Congress for grounds of an Impeachment. I prefer to sit above the fray but I found myself reminded of the need for strong leadership across the country. Both from Democrats and Republicans alike. This country is starving for unification and healing. We are so divided and impersonal as a nation. We rally together in times of need but as soon as things smooth out we build our fences. We want to defeat poverty and AIDS, we want to end wars and senseless murders, we need to start in our own neighborhoods and houses. We must find a way to love the people who live next door. We should stop letting fear of what could happen rule our lives and start letting the positive unstoppable force what would happen if we respected our differences.

I find that fear rules with tactics of sensationalism. If I go into the poorer parts of a city I might be robbed. Eveyone in the poorer part of the city wants what I have, because I've heard rumors and stories.
To me that is all based on the individual. Notice it there were 5 times the thought was based around 'I'.
Rather if we start saying, We should go to the parts of the city where our fellow humans are in need we can make a difference.
There are no mights there are no stories. There is a plan to make a difference. You would be astonished and amazed what a simple conversation with a lonely or beaten soul can do. People are trapped in the idea that they are an isolated person, when truth be told they are so close to being with others who face the same problems. but fear prevents them and fear chains them to the what if's and mights. It happens to us all at some point. We must put aside those two things and as soon as we do we can find a way to have LOVE for one another.

I have a feeling this year will be more than a lucky one. This year will be a year of transition, hope, and change.


O.