Not Now

Today was a grim reminder of the delicacy of life. The kind of reminder that brings back an experience that will follow you the rest of your life. I don't understand whether or not it's because of spiritual beliefs or just personal ideals that make it hard to shake images of death. It wasn't until later in the evening when I was offered the the opportunity to participate in "ghost hunting" or search for paranormal activity at a crematorium that had been abandoned. Listening to some of the stories I heard were hair raising and very interesting. I believe it would be very intriguing to experience that, but while listening to the stories I found myself back in the hospital where I had interned at. It was third shift and I was with my trainer. Two times I found myself in the morgue. The first was for an elderly woman who had passed. We had placed her body in the sterilized white bag and took her from her room down to the morgue and placed her on the slab. However, the second trip we made was what was called a "B-line". "B-line" is a hospital term used for picking up a still born child or an infant that had died. I distinctly remember seeing the still born girl and placing her in the small body bag the size of a pillow case. Two thoughts entered my mind that absolutely changed my outlook on life. One was somewhere close a family was missing a member of their family that should have been there. The second was this small being will never know the joys of life. I don't want to say the memory haunts me, but I have this overwhelming thought that what if that were my child, that I would not be able to hold and know. I didn't go, because I didn't feel prepared for that thought entering my head. My heart still and will always feel broken at the thought of that baby. I found that I needed to make peace with myself and my memory of it before I went. In full disclosure I do believe in spirituality and forces outside of realm of everyday life. Whether or not that means ghosts and all of that stuff I admit I have no clue. I am open to such things, having limited knowledge. Just not tonight, not before I allow myself to be somewhat at peace. Not now.
I guess this was more of a confessional. But it is easy to forget how quickly life comes and goes. I find that life should be lived to the fullest experience one can have. Sometimes though I believe we should stop and find someway to truly understand that while time does not stop, sooner or later we do. Death is a very complicated concept to grasp and there are so many ways to understand it. I don't know that I have found the right way.
I love you all,
I love life.
I love humanity.

O.